---Originally titled "I'm Tired of These Mother Fucking Goblins in this Mother Fucking Cavern," changed by player demand.---
Our first official gaming session kicked off more or less successfully. I was still hoping up until the Saturday night before that our fifth player would jump in and decide to join (regardless of which player it was) but other than that one hiccup (especially hoping they'd have been a caster type), my band of goodhearted-ish murderhobos got the job done.
Spoiler alert - I almost killed them all. Rookie DM mistake. BUT I DIDN'T. But I could have. But also, we made a few other mistakes (and I made some... fudging) so it was really just a learning experience for us all.
We opened in an inn in a small hamlet. The group had been hired by an Elven noble named Lezard Eroth for his upcoming wedding - our Bard was to play/perform whilst the rest of the group was to do escort and security detail for the various nobles congregating in Phandalin before traveling down to Valeth Tower, the site of the wedding. The rogue, of course, was most likely just tagging along to rob the nobles as much as possible. He's also already kind of stabby with the NPCs so I'm fairly certain the entire party is going to end up in some Lord's dungeon at some point, or Ned Stark-ed in a public square from his actions. But we'll see.
An unexpected snowstorm blocked up much of the road, hence why the party was sheltering for the time in the hamlet. I reused my Ruptured Nut Inn floorplan since I didn't have another inn drawn out, mostly so each player would have the opportunity to see their characters (though we're using proxies for the moment) laid out, and to kind of clue each other in on the backstories they've written to this point. I knew most of the information already, and we use a group messenger chat to bounce ideas back & forth, but this was the first time everyone got to listen to everyone else.
And, of course, we had to throw miniature terrain pieces onto the inn map because it just looked flat and bare without it. Which turned into our first 45 minutes of gaming or so. Because, again, if you give players an inn to hang out in, and you deep dive to learn all of the most popular alcohols of a region just in case someone wants to order something up for their characters.
After everyone had a chance to speak, and we all joked with one another about dead parents and abortions (don't ask), the village headman came in with a task; a group of raiders had been hitting the hamlet, and others, along with caravans traveling through the area. In exchange for the villagers help in clearing the snow so the party couple proceed, the party would track the raiders down, wipe them out, and return as much of their provisions as possible.
Yes, I was railroading by not really giving the party much choice here, though I did have a backup plan if they flat out refused. However, I knew if presented with a situation where the less fortunate needed aid, Gabriel the Paladin would be honor-bound to get out there and do it.
Wanting to tie a few other threads into session one, to give the players a LOT to do once reaching Phandalin, I adapted the Cragmaw Hideout for this dungeon crawl. Also, I laid the map out entirely with no "fog of war." I know it's better if players don't know what's coming or where to go, but given all of our lack of experience playing together, I thought it would be better this way.
Reaching the entrance to the cavern, with a frozen stream coming from the cave mouth, the party debated how to handle entering. The players had a nice discussion about how to read the map key and what briars are as well. Passive Perception check had Lenneth *the Blind Bard* hearing movement in the briars to the east of the stream, whilst Besiljka *the Raging Half-Orc Barbarian Raptor-Farmer* caught glimpses of movement. Rafeal *the Stab-Happy Rogue* decided to move through the briars and ambush whatever he could shank, as Gabriel *the Let-Me-Fly-On-Over Paladin* went up and came down into the clearing where the movement and sound was, catching two goblins before they had a chance to attack. The rest of the party moved in. Besiljka managed to throw a javelin through the briars, catching one goblin in the eye and pinning it to the ground by its skull. Gabriel crit failed his attack and damaged his axe. I let it go at that because I'm a nice DM and didn't rule that he chopped off Lenneth's arm, which led to an entire discussion about her needing to play the lute with her nipples if she only had one arm. I... Don't actually remember how the other goblin died, but I feel like Rafeal may have killed it. He was quick on the looting the bodies, at least. Which was a recurring theme that we'll probably have to discuss since, you know, the person that actually murders the monster should probably have first pull of their bodies... Lenneth did retrieve Besiljka's javelin for her though, and we had a LOT of smart ass remarks about how she had to move her hands up and down it, and twist a little, to get it free. If you know what I mean. Sexual innuendos are pretty much what we spent five hours making.
Moving into the cave, the party encountered a pack of wolves chained in a chamber. They could move enough to protect the room they were in, but not so much to be a threat if no one came in. Lenneth *the Wolf-Whispering Bard* and Besiljka *I Worked with Raptors, This is Fine* cooperated on Animal Handling rolls to try and calm the wolves, also throwing them meat hacked off the two dead goblins. It worked enough to keep the wolves settled and quiet, but the party made the wise decision not to continue into that room. They honestly didn't miss anything in there.
Unfortunately, that was the last really good success the party had for a bit. They decided to go the Scooby Doo route and split up. Gabriel and Rafeal decided to take a shaft (YEAH THEY DID) to the west whereas Besiljka led Lenneth to follow the frozen stream path to the east. The western shaft was covered in shale and ice and the low height made it impossible for Gabriel to "bone wing" his way off the ground as both he and Rafeal took a buttload of damage from a slide. A tripwire to the east let loose a small rockslide, but neither of the ladies were hit terribly hard by it.
Making it to the end of the shaft (one could say from the base to the tip of the shaft), Gabriel and Rafeal found a chamber filled with a half dozen goblins and a tied up human. Face down, ass up, apple in the mouth, beat to shit Appalachia-style. We had a lot of banter back and forth about what to do here. For all the party knew, this guy was trying to bang underaged goblins and got caught ala Chris Hanson. But Gabriel, given his background and back story, couldn't leave a helpless person to be murdered or worse by the goblins. So Rafeal went stealth, got under the goblins' notice and dragged the human out of the goblin warren, where then Gabriel was able to pick him up and carry him out of the area.
Besiljka and Lenneth made it to the source of the frozen stream, a mostly frozen waterfall and frozen pools, along with a pair of goblins. The gobbos won on the initiative and one immediately fled into the next chamber, whilst the other one missed a shortbow shot on Besiljka. Lenneth removed her top and rolled Charisma to distract the goblin with the power of the mesmerizing tits, giving Besiljka Advantage on her attack against the goblin. She rolled well both on the hit and the damage, splitting the goblin's head directly down the center so that its ears came to rest on its shoulders, its eyes never leaving the nipples.
At this point, the party has taken some damage, saved a guy who may or may not be shady, and have accomplished neither goal that the villagers in the hamlet need done, so they decided to reconvene, after the fellas untied their new friend and asked him some basic questions that amounted to; Sildar Hallwinter, formerly of the griffon cavalry of Waterdeep, abducted by asshole goblins, and ready to GTFO of there.
It's kind of funny how we addressed meta knowledge at this point, too. Like obviously everyone knows there's one cavern full of goblins, one cavern unexplored where a goblin ran into, and no sign of the provisions or supplies yet, so there's a safe bet where that's at. But, the party still regrouped to "discuss" the bigger threat for the moment. They decided the goblin warren needed to be cleared first and launched an... Interesting... Plan of attack.
Gabriel *the Effervescent Shit-Talker* flew up in the room, rolling Intimidate to cow the goblins into submission. He did poorly and they were all busy laughing at him when Lenneth used the Disguise spell to look like a goblin and Besiljka *Slinger of Tieflings* threw her up onto the ledge behind the rest of the group. So, laughing at the Aasimar, confusion at the thrown goblin, and Rafeal sneaking up the wall to surprise attack, made for a fun first round. Rafeal missed though, and Sildar, borrowing Rafeal's bow, crit failed his attack, which then I rolled to hit Gabriel accidentally, which also crit failed, so then I rolled to hit Rafeal as well, which thankfully just missed. So now the goblins are spoiling for a fight, Rafeal *Missing Those High AC Attacks* has moved behind Lenneth *Who Hath Goblin Tits Hanging Out*, basically using her as a shield. I expected some really tough combat here, but the party went Goblin Slayer mode and wiped the floor with this group. Gabriel *Gotta Bisect Them All* crit hit the goblin boss, who had already taken damage from a crit failed goblin arrow, dealing massive damage and cutting him in half. Besiljka *Dosvedanya Tovaritch* accounted well for herself also, following up after Lenneth *Pikachuuuuu's* Thunderwave attack. Now, this is also where my first screw up was - the spell's description actually says "each creature" not "each enemy" in the 15 foot cube, so given the confines of the area, it's a good chance that at least one party member would have also had to make the saving roll. Also, I didn't realize that they'd still take half damage even if they did succeed (two did not) so that is absolutely an awesome spell for such a low level character.
After clearing out the goblins in the warren, searching the room itself proved fruitless, though Gabriel *Tha Gangsta* did loot some gold teeth off the goblin boss. None of Sildar *Boy You Sure Do Got a Purdy Mouth's* gear was here, so he hung onto Rafeal *Sharing is Caring's* bow for the time being. Knowing that they only had one area left to explore, and knowing at least one goblin was in there, Gabriel *Lay Your Hands On Me* used lay hands to heal up the party a bit and they walked right up in there to loot some shit and kill that last goblin...
BUT THEN PLOT TWIST
That one goblin had warned his oppressor boss, an orphaned white dragon wyrmling! Surprise butt sechs breath attack almost TPKed. For a "challenge rating 2" creature, dragon breath attacks are OP as fuck, with rolling 5d8s and even a successful save only halving that. So, yeah, I might have downplayed the total damage a little (40HP on a max roll/20HP on a save? Even level 3 characters would be hard pressed to not die), and I might have let Rafeal *Didn't Make His Save* do a death save roll to be left with one HP (gotta remind Besiljka *the Barbarian* how Rage works, too) to avoid seeing the party crumble. But they were all in dire straights here. Fortunately, initiative, whole party gets to go before the dragon or goblins and Lenneth *Hellfire Smells Like Rotten Eggs* cast Hellish Rebuke on the dragon. This is where I messed up numero B - when I handed out the spell cards people had access to based on class and race, I neglected to remember Hellish Rebuke can't be used until level 3, and the party is level 1. So... Because Lenneth still had an unused spell slot, I just went with it, not double checking otherwise, and she hit that dragon super fucking hard. Like, 60% of its life gone in a blazing instance. Also, I have whites as having cold resistance, but wasn't sure on fire weakness (still a dragon) but the attack might have been even more devastating. Rafeal *Standing On His Last Leg* attacked one of the goblins, but missed. Besiljka *Teamwork Makes* and Gabriel *the Dream Work* went to finish the dragon off, but no dice, it was still hanging by a battered and torn loose thread, when Sildar *Glad We Armed This Guy* fired a Hail Mary of an arrow shot, with just a bit more damage than actually needed to kill the wyrmling.
YES THERE WAS A DRAGON IN MY DUNGEON
The goblins surrendered at that, and Rafeal *Surrender is Meaningless* decided to chuck them down the fissure at the back of the cave to feed the wolves ("Feeding the wolves, don't you know better?"). Without talking to them. Then he tried to Intimidate Sildar, who wasn't having it, but he did lay down some info about the Lord's Alliance, looking for a wizard heading to the wedding, and the mine that his dwarven homey had recently found before the two of them were abducted by the goblins under their old boss, a Bugbear, under directions from someone known as The Black Spider. This may all go no where, depending on session two, but plot threads are there. And there's still a wedding to get to.
Since we were running out of our five hour block o'time, I suggested the party make camp there and rest up before returning with some of the goods to the hamlet. Made the most sense to have them let the villagers know it was safe to retrieve the rest after get the road passable again. And everyone got to divvy up the material goods of the cavern, which netted them all a tidy sum of spending money to blow in Phandalin, including a jade frog statuette that Lenneth *Plays Well With Others* demanded be given to Besiljka *Really Likes Presents.*
They also earned enough XP to level up, so that's how we'll start the next session.
Session Two: Phandalin Boogaloo, in two weeks.
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