Alt title - "What the Actual Fuck, Guys?"
Last session found the party battling a grick right at the end of our time, so this session started with the aftermath of that battle. The party hadn't searched the shrine/temple area yet, and proceeded to do so as we opened up. Noticing the hearth blazing-ish (not a roaring bonfire, but not smoldering coals either) oddly on one side, Besiljka stirred up some coals with her rusted axe and undercovered something wrapped in cloth and stuffed in the corner. Goblins are not bright, and sticking a treasure in a fire to hide it from their peers is pretty on-brand for them. Bessie unwrapped the item and found a golden statue of a sun/high elf. This was something most likely looted from passer-bys or maybe taken from the ruins that dot the Elven Protectorate. I think we spent maybe a half hour just on whether or not this was cursed, and then whether or not it was shaped well enough for Gabriel to hide it in his ass ala prison wallets and drug mule pockets. Which then devolved into a few minutes of conversation over the first episode of the timeless classic Magnum PI. Tom Selleck is still the GOAT. -hums Magnum theme whilst typing this- Also, during the investigation of the room, I pointed out the four gods engraved upon the walls, common enough that most people of the Realms would know their images or sigils, including Kelemvor, the Judge of the Dead, whose symbol was found amongst the acolytes in the angel's tomb back at Thundertree.
With such a large castle and a battle map that didn't hide much (the wood elves had sketched a crude drawing of the inside of the castle to the best of their knowledge), the party spent some time trying to determine a plan of action and finally settled upon moving into an adjacent room separated by leather/canvas style curtains. Because Gabriel failed his Perception check and had the grick attack him, forcing the rest of the party to furiously beat it off (huehuehue), the trio of goblins in this area were alerted, and behind a stone altar they hid.
This is going to get weird, fair warning. My players want me to do a lot more roleplaying with them with the NPCs and stuff, and I'm looking for them to come up with creative solutions to problems. Two of the goblins rolled around each side of the stone altar to attack the party, with the third/goblin priest jumping over it to strike. Gabriel rushed in with his battle axe, ultimately cleaving one in a diagonal strike & then smashing its head with his own, and a trio of gobbos should have been a cakewalk for a party of four either way. Instead, Lenneth decided that maybe these poor things just didn't have enough love from their mothers (probably true; goblin warrens are like rat's nests and when times are lean, rats eat their young) so she grabbed one and hugged it close to her -indeterminate size though the party has always gone with "massive"- boobs, cuddling it into submission. The thing relented and uttered some goblin gibberish. The third goblin looked to Besiljka and made a "pick me up, orc mommy" gesture so Bessie did the same. Grimfang looked on, entirely perplexed and kinda weirded out by the party's tactics. But, they were effective, and when it came time, Grim shoved his dagger through the base of Lenneth's cuddle-partner's skull & Besiljka snapped the neck of hers. Whilst the two were busy, Gabe made to loot the altar of its golden artifacts, but hearing a distinctive "tsk tsk" in his head, he decided to put them back. The feeling of disapproval hung with him, even after that.
And then I'm pretty sure this is where the "finger blasting a lizard" started, as we were discussing goblin breeding practices and the assumption that at least some of the goblins were ladies, but that the only way to be sure would be to finger their slits like lizards. Except goblinoids are mammalian (one would assume) so their genitalia would be easy to see just by looking under their clothing. However, Gabriel and his rep with the deer has now extended to "lizard blasting" and the Dragonborn of the area had best be on their guard.
This session was hilarious. Tears in the eyes hilarious. I don't care much about podcasts and youtube and whatnot, since this blog is sufficient to keep track of what we've done for both myself and for the players to look back on as a refresher in between sessions, but if we did have something for other people to listen to, they'd agree that we're 10/10 ridiculous.
Anyway, my notes are kind of jumbled since the party went in a counter clockwise exploration. After leaving the defiled goblin bodies to rot, they ended up in a storeroom full of rotting grain and old meat. Visual checks revealed a bloody suit of chainmail, along with a heavy crossbow and a longswod with Neverwinter's emblem in the hilt. Quite clearly this was Sildar Hallwinter missing gear, and I'm sure he'd be favorably dispositioned towards the party for returning it, almost as much as for saving his life in the first place. After some investigation rolls, the party followed Lenneth's nose to a small cask of brandy. That'll be good to party with later.
Since there was a dead end on the map, Besiljka poked her head into the next room to see what was up, and whoosh went a dagger past her head. A squad of hobgoblins hanging out in their barracks prepared themselves for mortal kombat, but like the way Batman no longer goes down on Catwoman, the hobgoblins weren't able to finish her. As has become the standard for combat against groups, Lenneth rushed in to drop Thunderwave, damaging a couple and knocking one into the wall. Knowing that the three who took half damage would be the biggest threat, Grimfang shouldered between the two ladies and exhaled some icy cold "this is how it feels to chew Five gum" breath of doom, flashfreezing their faces off. Lizard blasting, if you will. The fourth hobbo was in no position to face the full might of the party and he surrendered, putting his weapon down. He was knocking on death's door for sure.
With almost no health left, the party knew the hobbo's conviction and military discipline would leave him, and he'd give up all of his secrets. So they decided to do a little interrogation. Lenneth with her high Charisma threw some tail whipping to Intimidate aaaaaand her 1d4 tail whip attack snapped the poor hobbos neck. Like holy shit. Gabriel was not happy and this resulted in some serious shit talking and a casting of Vicious Mockery for the first time. The angel and the devil verbally sparring is unsurprising, and the disapproving silent voice in Gabriel's head seemed to approve of it.
Lenneth stormed out of the room and Grimfang interposed himself between the two to contain the fighting. Retracing their steps through visited rooms, the party moved into a large hall space with leather or canvas draping to prevent DRAFTS. DRAFTS. Not giraffes, you mother fuckers. Apparently I don't enunciate clearly enough for some assholes lmao. So then we had to discuss how high the ceilings are for the giraffes. You know, I'm actually surprised we even finished Cragmaw Castle at all with the amount of laughter.
So anyway, from the large hallway, the party split up. Besiljka wanted to search the east wing and Gabriel wanted to search south. Grimfang escorted Lenneth, who was planning on heading southeast, but who had to follow the same path as Bessie to get there. Order of operations had Gabe opening in to a dining hall, and a "moblin" of gobbos! Seven deep plus a chonky chef boss goblin. With the party split, he had only a moment to cast Light on the door to blind them (it was mostly unsuccessful).
Bessie cracked her door open and two more hobgoblins were standing vigil at the arrow slits, on high alert for an attack against the castle after the sound of the Thunderwave, plus the wood elves drawing a portion of the Cragmaw troops out. Unfortunately for them, they were facing the wrong way.
Gabriel shouted a warning down the hall, running as fast as his legs could carry him and Bessie launched her javelins at the hobbos, impaling one straight through the back of the neck but only ripping the ear off of the other one. Before they could really react, Lenneth and Grimfang swooped in to join. Dynamic duo style. Besiljka has been using Rage more and her anger finished the second one after he'd taken damage from Grim's longsword. I allowed Bessie to chuck both javelins at her targets together, yes, because thematically it was on brand and also we had probably five solid minutes of "javelin in each hand as phallic imagery" comments that made it all worthwhile.
This whole session was just cock jokes and innuendo and at one point I'm fairly certain I was encouraged to just "whip it out," which, dear readers, is a dangerous thing to say to me.
Two hobgoblins down and a hall filled with goblins chasing Gabe, Besiljka rushed to his aid, bottlenecking the hall with her giant figurative orc balls, smashing at the goblins with reckless abandon. Her axe swinging, Lenneth flung crossbows over the rubble into the melee. Gabriel turned to fight, and Grimfang crawled into higher ground to stab downward at the goblins. They fell like wheat under the scythe, after multiple rounds of combat, with the last two being cut down by a massively successful attack and damage roll by raging Bessie. After the last goblin fell, Bessie went to get her javelins and Lenneth, with the aid of Grimfang, retrieved her crossbow bolts. There was a lot of conversation about using the brandy from above as a goblin grenade molotov but I think Gabe is planning on getting blackout drunk with it instead.
Now, the party was faced with two choices. Two large areas left to be explored and party abilities & spell slots winnowing. I cautioned one would answer their questions (semi honest) and one would lead to their doom (totally honest). Heading to the southeast where Lenneth wanted to go in the first place, they cautiously approached a barred door and, at first, they thought mayhaps a kidnapped dwarf could be in there. Bessie had some concerns and rather than just boot the door in, she cautiously opened it, succeeding on a Stealth check, to find... who? A GODDAMNED OWLBEAR, THAT'S WHOOO. The party did some quick mental math and came to the conclusion that an owlbear would probably murder them, though Lenneth was convinced that they could just chuck some goblin meat in there to make it happy, or at least calm enough that she could befriend it. It wasn't a terrible plan but no one else wanted to risk it, so they decided to leave the owlbear in the tower (Lenneth's maulin wouldn't have the lifting ability to drop meat to it risk free). SO that's how the doom option might have played out. Maybe they could've taken an enraged owlbear. Maybe not. Action economy forces tough choices in a hostile land.
Bidding farewell to the beast, they made their way to the northeast and the only major area of the castle unchecked. Behind stone walls and a wooden door, two voices were heard arguing. One gruff and one light & effeminate, the party went all "FBI this is a raid!" and stormed the room. The bugbear chieftain, stronger than his kin and spoiling for a fight stood in conversation with a high elf. And not just -any- high elf, but no less than Lezard's guard captain, Erevan Sionnadel, he whose magic shortsword Lenneth still wields. Bound and unconscious, the party finally found Gundren Rockseeker on the castle floor. The bugbear raised his weapon in challenge to Bessie, wanting the bounty on her head. Erevan moved to kill Gundren but Bessie's javelin was flung between he and the dwarf, stopping him in his tracks. Gabriel tried to use Intimidate on the bugbear, but rolled a 1, and the chieftain just laughed. The elf hurled insults at Besiljka and Lenneth, and before much more could happen, battle was joined. It only took a round or two or combat before the party noticed the elf was... wrong. Massive hits against it were barely enough to slow it down and though it taunted the party, it was almost as if it didn't personally recognize any of them, despite having met at least two of the party members within the past tenday or so.
Both adversaries, as well as the bugbear's pet wolf, were hit hard and hit hard in return. But when the elf nicked Lenneth, her Hellish Rebuke wreathed it in flames and the elvish skin burned away to reveal featureless gray flesh underneath. Not long after, the three villainous foes were brought low, and the party had time to catch their breath.
Peeling more skin back, it was clear that the elf was nothing of the sort, and a discussion ensued to try and figure out what the bloody hell it could be. A mystery for another time (another piece of the puzzle with no clear picture emerging), as Gabriel used healing abilities to rouse Gundren. Dazed and confused, and not a little happy to be alive, Gundren asked if Sildar had sent the party. Then he wanted to know where his map was.
I don't do voices usually, but I channeled a cock swinging vaguely Leprechauny kinda voice for Gundren here as he hard bargained with the party to find his map and get him back to town, eventually settling on a 15% stake in his mine. It was some of the best back and forth we've done as an NPC with the party yet. He may be a dwarven commoner, and in a bad bargaining position, but with an entire clan of dwarves behind him, Gundren doesn't back down easily. It's 5% more than he'd have liked, but still well under the 50% that Besiljka was looking for.
Time grew short as a distant hunting horn signaled that the hobgoblin warband had triumphed over the wood elves, and at the end of the session, the party scrambled to the southern egress to escape the castle.
Will they make it safely back to Phandalin? Find out next time.
